The world really does suck! Satan may rule the world, but God's kingdom is so much bigger AND better! * sigh* the world sucks.
Can I take a moment to yell at people? I kinda wish I can directly yell at them...but I find it fruitless.
I don't need people to tell me they don't want me to be near them or talk to them. For the most part, I'm pretty observant...and I can definitely tell with body gestures and movements that you don't care for me...you don't care if I was in your presence and probably would prefer someone else to sit next to you or something. T_T and by the way you don't ask to hang out with me, BOTH of you but you guys shove it in my face you have dinner with so and so and you hang out will that other person and you talk to other people so so freakin often!...I'm kinda feeling a bit unloved..BUT WHATEVERRR! I'll try not to care...cause there's one love that will never fail...yeah that's right I got Jesus! BLLEHH!!! to you! and you! Blah blah blah! pretty frustrated now...
God, it's really hard to love or encourage people right now...forgive me for not being a blessing to their lives but I am nothing to them...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
more stuff about work
crazy craazy! talk about kamikaze crazy! well almost...
it's crazy enough for my boss to trust me to bring back to the office $3000 in cash or something in the 1,000's....
but tomorrow I'm going to go to my boss's house instead of working at the office...I'll be working at his house and no one is home...the kids are off to college and overseas for work and the wife in Japan...so he entrusted me his house keys to be alone at his house to do work! specifically to scan all of his family photos! what a weird and odd job God has given me! I LOVE IT! haha..but it's still crazy my boss trust me so much to leave me with his house alone...and its one of those fancy expensive 3 story houses near Lawton and 16th...with the windy hills and stuff...I love looking at his family pictures! So much love and laughter...I can see my boss is a very very loving father with silly kids. It makes me jealous of his family...but I shouldn't. hmm..yeah...that's all...
it's crazy enough for my boss to trust me to bring back to the office $3000 in cash or something in the 1,000's....
but tomorrow I'm going to go to my boss's house instead of working at the office...I'll be working at his house and no one is home...the kids are off to college and overseas for work and the wife in Japan...so he entrusted me his house keys to be alone at his house to do work! specifically to scan all of his family photos! what a weird and odd job God has given me! I LOVE IT! haha..but it's still crazy my boss trust me so much to leave me with his house alone...and its one of those fancy expensive 3 story houses near Lawton and 16th...with the windy hills and stuff...I love looking at his family pictures! So much love and laughter...I can see my boss is a very very loving father with silly kids. It makes me jealous of his family...but I shouldn't. hmm..yeah...that's all...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What happened this semester?!
AH! what's happening Stephh?! Not motivated AT ALL for school or any of my classes...I'm not a super studious person but hey, I would still get a little above average with my B's...now I'm getting D's and C's so far in my classes! This is super super frustrating! I can't focus on any homework...I'm forgetting my assignments....What's WRONG?! In the beginning summer activities were still going on while school started and while I finished those, I thought to myself, I'll catch up...BAD/WRONG...still haven't really caught up...How can I not be motivated especially now since classes will be cut and I need NEED NEED to pass all of my classes!!!
So I had a counselor appointment today so I can get myself some priority registration for Spring semester, and I'm always changing counselors and this was someone new to me. She started asking me how am I doing in my classes and I tell her not so well and she asks me a bunch of questions to try to help pinpoint why I'm not doing well. One of the question that straight up smack me in the head was, " What was different about this semester than the other semesters?" ._.
like whoahs...deep thinking...
what DID happen?!
well there was Praise night (shoulda made the date earlier) cause school was starting when that happened...
Actually I might have to say the biggest changes were losing my friends and just stressing over them! and lastly these past weeks, my boss is in China so my other boss offered me more work till she gets back, so I'm working more, which means less study time....
back to the losing friends part....I guess thinking back...it impacted me a lot more than I realized. Letting go of friends when they don't want to be friends anymore, when they don't want to talk to me anymore, nor hang out, not even communicating....it's hard to let go after all these years of friendships...I must have done something really bad for them to not even want to talk to me because I seriously don't know what I did to offend them...it may be my fault...that I continued to be friends with them always giving and never taking so they never learn to give but to continue taking. But I have no idea...I just can't seem to stop saying how hard it is...because I love people...so when I lose them...it's like a great stab straight to the heart with a lot of twisting and plunging...of course in the beginning, I was just bitter and mad...but I'm through with that...that takes up wayy too much energy and I'm done with bitterness and grudges...I have one relationship that I'm bitter and angered about and I can't do that with my friends. I'm sick of it. and that's not counting Lucifer. Such an emotional drain for me...is this why I don't have any motivation for school? is this why I'm SO tired in the morning even after a long night of sleep? is this why no matter what I do, I just can't break from this depression, of feeling so blaaah....? That's all I can think of that changed from this fall and last fall...*sigh*
Still in the midst of all of this chaos... God let this happen for a reason...maybe it's a healthy break for me...maybe that's all I need....is just a simple break...
It's a bit heartbreaking,,,as I've just said before...I'll try not to hold onto friendships too strong anymore...I'll still care and encourage and laugh and hang out with friends no doubt about it...
hm..the last time I've ever felt this way...was when I was like a sophomore in high school...it's almost nostalgic remembering how it felt like...and here I am...almost making the same resolution...slightly altered...
Being at home doesn't help at all...I hate coming home...a double *sigh* on this one...
ah..wells...life goes on
So I had a counselor appointment today so I can get myself some priority registration for Spring semester, and I'm always changing counselors and this was someone new to me. She started asking me how am I doing in my classes and I tell her not so well and she asks me a bunch of questions to try to help pinpoint why I'm not doing well. One of the question that straight up smack me in the head was, " What was different about this semester than the other semesters?" ._.
like whoahs...deep thinking...
what DID happen?!
well there was Praise night (shoulda made the date earlier) cause school was starting when that happened...
Actually I might have to say the biggest changes were losing my friends and just stressing over them! and lastly these past weeks, my boss is in China so my other boss offered me more work till she gets back, so I'm working more, which means less study time....
back to the losing friends part....I guess thinking back...it impacted me a lot more than I realized. Letting go of friends when they don't want to be friends anymore, when they don't want to talk to me anymore, nor hang out, not even communicating....it's hard to let go after all these years of friendships...I must have done something really bad for them to not even want to talk to me because I seriously don't know what I did to offend them...it may be my fault...that I continued to be friends with them always giving and never taking so they never learn to give but to continue taking. But I have no idea...I just can't seem to stop saying how hard it is...because I love people...so when I lose them...it's like a great stab straight to the heart with a lot of twisting and plunging...of course in the beginning, I was just bitter and mad...but I'm through with that...that takes up wayy too much energy and I'm done with bitterness and grudges...I have one relationship that I'm bitter and angered about and I can't do that with my friends. I'm sick of it. and that's not counting Lucifer. Such an emotional drain for me...is this why I don't have any motivation for school? is this why I'm SO tired in the morning even after a long night of sleep? is this why no matter what I do, I just can't break from this depression, of feeling so blaaah....? That's all I can think of that changed from this fall and last fall...*sigh*
Still in the midst of all of this chaos... God let this happen for a reason...maybe it's a healthy break for me...maybe that's all I need....is just a simple break...
It's a bit heartbreaking,,,as I've just said before...I'll try not to hold onto friendships too strong anymore...I'll still care and encourage and laugh and hang out with friends no doubt about it...
hm..the last time I've ever felt this way...was when I was like a sophomore in high school...it's almost nostalgic remembering how it felt like...and here I am...almost making the same resolution...slightly altered...
Being at home doesn't help at all...I hate coming home...a double *sigh* on this one...
ah..wells...life goes on
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Rainy days
man so many people are complaining about how rainy it is! they are such babies...its just water! it's not like pee is raining down on you... =/ rain is so crucial! it's a fantastic thing! *mumbles*
ughh! i hate feeling easily irritated..it makes me think so irrational!
*sigh*
ughh! i hate feeling easily irritated..it makes me think so irrational!
*sigh*
Friday, October 9, 2009
Work, work, work
So my main boss is away on a vacation/business trip and my other boss offered me more hours to work to help him out so of course I say yeah! and working everyday this week wasn't totally a killer...but I definitely would go crazy working in a office for like 10+ years...24/7...I wouldn't be able to stand it! the boringness...the same ole same ole...organizing...filing...stuff that can put me to sleep...I hope I will find a job that I can travel a lot...and do a lot of hands on things....yahh...
while I'm wishing...I also wish I can be more motivated...and more focused.....
the other day I can't believe it but I bought a pair of skinny jeans...but of course...I will only wear it with boots...I would be so uncomfortable showing off how manly muscular my calves aree..hahaha....yeah....
while I'm wishing...I also wish I can be more motivated...and more focused.....
the other day I can't believe it but I bought a pair of skinny jeans...but of course...I will only wear it with boots...I would be so uncomfortable showing off how manly muscular my calves aree..hahaha....yeah....
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