the world sucks

The world really does suck! Satan may rule the world, but God's kingdom is so much bigger AND better! * sigh* the world sucks.

Can I take a moment to yell at people? I kinda wish I can directly yell at them...but I find it fruitless.
I don't need people to tell me they don't want me to be near them or talk to them. For the most part, I'm pretty observant...and I can definitely tell with body gestures and movements that you don't care for me...you don't care if I was in your presence and probably would prefer someone else to sit next to you or something. T_T and by the way you don't ask to hang out with me, BOTH of you but you guys shove it in my face you have dinner with so and so and you hang out will that other person and you talk to other people so so freakin often!...I'm kinda feeling a bit unloved..BUT WHATEVERRR! I'll try not to care...cause there's one love that will never fail...yeah that's right I got Jesus! BLLEHH!!! to you! and you! Blah blah blah! pretty frustrated now...

God, it's really hard to love or encourage people right now...forgive me for not being a blessing to their lives but I am nothing to them...

more stuff about work

crazy craazy! talk about kamikaze crazy! well almost...
it's crazy enough for my boss to trust me to bring back to the office $3000 in cash or something in the 1,000's....
but tomorrow I'm going to go to my boss's house instead of working at the office...I'll be working at his house and no one is home...the kids are off to college and overseas for work and the wife in Japan...so he entrusted me his house keys to be alone at his house to do work! specifically to scan all of his family photos! what a weird and odd job God has given me! I LOVE IT! haha..but it's still crazy my boss trust me so much to leave me with his house alone...and its one of those fancy expensive 3 story houses near Lawton and 16th...with the windy hills and stuff...I love looking at his family pictures! So much love and laughter...I can see my boss is a very very loving father with silly kids. It makes me jealous of his family...but I shouldn't. hmm..yeah...that's all...

What happened this semester?!

AH! what's happening Stephh?! Not motivated AT ALL for school or any of my classes...I'm not a super studious person but hey, I would still get a little above average with my B's...now I'm getting D's and C's so far in my classes! This is super super frustrating! I can't focus on any homework...I'm forgetting my assignments....What's WRONG?! In the beginning summer activities were still going on while school started and while I finished those, I thought to myself, I'll catch up...BAD/WRONG...still haven't really caught up...How can I not be motivated especially now since classes will be cut and I need NEED NEED to pass all of my classes!!!

So I had a counselor appointment today so I can get myself some priority registration for Spring semester, and I'm always changing counselors and this was someone new to me. She started asking me how am I doing in my classes and I tell her not so well and she asks me a bunch of questions to try to help pinpoint why I'm not doing well. One of the question that straight up smack me in the head was, " What was different about this semester than the other semesters?" ._.
like whoahs...deep thinking...
what DID happen?!
well there was Praise night (shoulda made the date earlier) cause school was starting when that happened...
Actually I might have to say the biggest changes were losing my friends and just stressing over them! and lastly these past weeks, my boss is in China so my other boss offered me more work till she gets back, so I'm working more, which means less study time....

back to the losing friends part....I guess thinking back...it impacted me a lot more than I realized. Letting go of friends when they don't want to be friends anymore, when they don't want to talk to me anymore, nor hang out, not even communicating....it's hard to let go after all these years of friendships...I must have done something really bad for them to not even want to talk to me because I seriously don't know what I did to offend them...it may be my fault...that I continued to be friends with them always giving and never taking so they never learn to give but to continue taking. But I have no idea...I just can't seem to stop saying how hard it is...because I love people...so when I lose them...it's like a great stab straight to the heart with a lot of twisting and plunging...of course in the beginning, I was just bitter and mad...but I'm through with that...that takes up wayy too much energy and I'm done with bitterness and grudges...I have one relationship that I'm bitter and angered about and I can't do that with my friends. I'm sick of it. and that's not counting Lucifer. Such an emotional drain for me...is this why I don't have any motivation for school? is this why I'm SO tired in the morning even after a long night of sleep? is this why no matter what I do, I just can't break from this depression, of feeling so blaaah....? That's all I can think of that changed from this fall and last fall...*sigh*

Still in the midst of all of this chaos... God let this happen for a reason...maybe it's a healthy break for me...maybe that's all I need....is just a simple break...

It's a bit heartbreaking,,,as I've just said before...I'll try not to hold onto friendships too strong anymore...I'll still care and encourage and laugh and hang out with friends no doubt about it...
hm..the last time I've ever felt this way...was when I was like a sophomore in high school...it's almost nostalgic remembering how it felt like...and here I am...almost making the same resolution...slightly altered...

Being at home doesn't help at all...I hate coming home...a double *sigh* on this one...

ah..wells...life goes on

Rainy days

man so many people are complaining about how rainy it is! they are such babies...its just water! it's not like pee is raining down on you... =/ rain is so crucial! it's a fantastic thing! *mumbles*

ughh! i hate feeling easily irritated..it makes me think so irrational!
*sigh*

Work, work, work

So my main boss is away on a vacation/business trip and my other boss offered me more hours to work to help him out so of course I say yeah! and working everyday this week wasn't totally a killer...but I definitely would go crazy working in a office for like 10+ years...24/7...I wouldn't be able to stand it! the boringness...the same ole same ole...organizing...filing...stuff that can put me to sleep...I hope I will find a job that I can travel a lot...and do a lot of hands on things....yahh...
while I'm wishing...I also wish I can be more motivated...and more focused.....

the other day I can't believe it but I bought a pair of skinny jeans...but of course...I will only wear it with boots...I would be so uncomfortable showing off how manly muscular my calves aree..hahaha....yeah....

*smacks head*

AHHH!!!! STEPH! THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO BE ALL DOWN AND MOODY AND DEPRESSED!! PEOPLE NEED TO BE ENCOURAGED OUT THEREE! UGHH STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE BY WALLOWING IN SELF PITY! ALRIGHT! C'MON ON WORLD! I AIN'T GONNA HAND GOD'S CHILDREN OVER TO YOU TO BE TRAMPLED OVER! I SHALL TRIUMPH WITH THE HELP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT....OKAY I SOMEHOW FEEEL A BIT RENERGIZED...

I reject

Hmm..thinking about it, I refuse to think I'm burnout...call it denial BUT, I still was able to do all of the things I wanted to, I had the energy...I only didn't plan the having a lot of relationship problems factored in...otherwise I think I wouldn't be feeling this way...
ooohh! another revelation
yeah since I've put so much energy into the events I did in the summer, plus my energy was drained by my friends(not blaming them) but if I had healthy friendships, I would have been able to gain some energy back...but since I didn't really have friends to give back...I was left with nothing...I guess it's always good to store some emergency energy...hehe...

there's my revelation of the day...
I notice I think clearer when I'm at school, I know it's because it's away from the city...Satan sure has a very strong hold on SF and I feel when I go back to SF, I feel depressed, unmotivated, lazy, etc....
then when I'm at San Mateo I feel like I'm seeing for the first time and the chains are broken...
of course the further away, the better....
okay enough crazy talk from me...=]

Summer is fading...

Man I need to blog more! I think it helps me sort out my thoughts and such...
So my minds a mess now and I feel like I have mind lag...or something...like jetlag but lagging in the area of responding to people and thinking clearly...
Well the past weeks have been more of a crash and burn with my soul...

and I don't think I want to help anyone anymore....let's see who are my real friends who would stick with me even if I have nothing to offer them...I'm going to try to be careful around one way friendships....I'm pretty tired of a lot of things right now, Well I'll bet I won't have much to worry about because as of my current status...I am slowly losing all of my friends...
What else can I do except to hold on to the one REAL thing more tightly than before?

hm..

i want to post something but there's just too many thoughts going on right now, it's like ahhh..haha later then..

Image

the other day, Saturday really...after softball practice, was getting ready to go watch X-men Wolverine Orgins....
so I was getting ready, I washed the sweat off my face, and I went to my room and I took a look in the mirror and I couldn't take my eyes off, my thoughts were, was this really me? This is how I look like? I felt like I've never seen myself in the mirror and I'm in awe of this thing that can reflect my image and I started to stare and the longer I stared, the longer I felt a feeling that didn't come from me, a feeling that I only realized later that I was enjoying my image, I felt satisfied in my image and how God created me...every line, contour, color, shape of my face....

God was letting me borrow His eyes. And when He sees me, He delights in me, how I was formed, how I look like....
It was very serene and made me feel confident in my self image....

Have you looked in the mirror lately and scream with excitement that God looks so beautiful?
He DID make YOU in His image....why wouldn't you look like Him?

Burnt Out...or not..

So I was in San Diego for a bit this month and I was able to attend a Christian club called Intervarsity with Karen and one thing that stood out to me was this.
Christians are more known for what they oppose than who they are.
and it's so totally true!! especially with these propositions about gay marriages and stuff..yeah..

Something else that happened this week...
Yeah I am involved with a lot of activities...
school,
work,
family retreat worship and committee
VBS committee
praise night
sports

hm... but I've been feeling so blah lately and down...and I feel really antisocial, like I don't want to hang out with people..
and I've been thinking about it whether this is what it feels like to be burnt out...
but I think about it more...
and being burnt out is when you blame the church, blame other people, just plain BLAMING others for how you feel and for everything...

instead...I've been feeling that everyone else is blaming ME....for things....making me feel like such a failure...
so what's the opposite of burning out? burning in?
what?!
I'm confused...

on another note...I've been addicting to watching House again...fun things...=]
funny watching House makes me want to become a doctor more...and I feel like I've just totally missed my chance...cause I would have tried harder to ace classes and stuff...but things didn't work out. I have way too many hobbies for my own good....Too many hobbies lead me so lost in what I want as a concentrated major....
I think the major goal of why I want to pursue a Design and Media Arts major is because the media is going to always be a worldly thing, they present images that are not suitable for God's standard of living....like...they really concentrate on sexual images to catch peoples attention...I really wonder if I can change that...use more holy images to catch people's attention?...hm...
*ponders* that totally doesn't really make sense but meh, I still have time to sort things out...

Spring Random

bad college people....
went out on saturday night and stayed out late eating korean bbq and driving in circles(literally).
was so sleepy during church...T_T

alberto and heiman wanted to crash somewhere but ended up going to cherry blossom festival with me, and while heiman was driving, alberto and i saw a lady walking and trying to keep her dress down because the wind kept blowing so finally it just blew her dress up from behind and we saw her underwear and we laughed so much....

last spring break, i spent most of it cleaning my room and i'm not even finish! maybe cause i was boxing things up and reminiscing on some of those stuff....i shall post of pictures of em, haha yeah i took pictures of em...

man i miss blogging, i dont find the time....or the energy...i have too many thoughts, it feels overwhelming to put it all in sentences and stuff...

i'm pretty much sick of living where i am...my parents, this house, this area, this city, this country....
i started missing Peru a lot...and the missionary life...but i'm not quite so sure that's God's calling for me...why am i so lost? its actually frustrating....
alas...years and years of wanting to be a veterinarian.....now i'm beginning to think i can't do it, i'm just not good at math and formulas, i'm not disciplining myself well enough to go through all that vigorous classes and such. it totally sucks! i guess everyone is suppose to have a dream job they'll never be able to attain in life and mines will be a vet...but i really hope i can get a dog in the future...australian shepherd to be more specific....they look so gorgeous...
i guess for now i'll settle for something i already know i'm good at or enjoy tremendously..which is art, design, and such......
i'm so envious of certain people....why am i having so much people problem lately? i wish i was better at keeping in touch with people....

i don't quite feel alive...my sense feel a bit numb....like am i actually me? i'm really making choices for this soul, this life? i look at my mom and really see, this woman is my mom? i look over her features and i amaze myself, this woman is my mother....*ponders*
i feel like an alien new to this life, but i've been living this life for about 20 years....wow...20 years...where did all the years go by?

i feel so anxious for the future...i remember i was anxious when i was 16 too, now i'm anxious for when i get out of college and how my life will be like. i wish i didn't, i don't want to anticipate and miss the life i'm living now, the events happening now...yeah....
wow i really do miss blogging and talking to myself...but i need sleep...i hope i won't feel how i felt this morning, wanting to just keep sleeping, sleep the world away. sleep my life away...hm...

*SiGh*

I RemEmBer WeN I uSeTa TyPe LiKe ThiZ, iT toOk 4EvEr!

anyways....
last week or something i was watching House, and the main patient, he had something wrong with him by saying whatever is on his mind. he can't think before speaking. he just says everything on his mind. so of course he said inappropriate things, and i was just thinking about it and i am so glad that we don't always speak whatever's on our thoughts, we have choices to make even when thoughts come up without control. i think if i were to say everything that's on my mind, i would be the meanest, most bitter, judgemental, person ever! i don't even know where it comes from. scary. that's all, lazy to think more. how depressing...

so busy...

man! i'm so behind in school....
so much invovled with activities....

the other day i was talking to my very old old childhood friend and we talked till midnight and it was great! i realized i've ditched my other friends to be so involved with church and it's activities...its nice but still, the greater mission will be targeted those unsaved instead of already saved ones.

yeah im in a rush now....think later...can't be still....>_<

crazy! loco! mad!

ahhhh
so brain dead! doing math for hours!
so stupid...
so much to do!
so crazy! everything! everything!
ahhhh.....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i need to scream.......

i need to be still...i need refreshment...i need youuuuuu

Newpaper

what the heckk!

well im trying to keep up with news...
i'm actually more interested in iraq and war stories related articles just cause my brother is a marine now....i want to know whats gonna happen next...

im so whoahs!
an open gay bishop will be speaking at Obama inauguration??!!
i'm not sure if that's correct but im more shocked at a gay bishop! huh?! whhy?
man this world is doomed! how sad....

news are always usually bad news!!!! whyy!
they have a whole page about peoples deaths....
but what if there was a page about who got married and who's celebrating a special occasion?!!!!

hm...i think...i just may be signing up for more things i can handle....but theres just so much to do! that i WANT to do! ugh....why can't i be superwoman....

then that takes away God's ultimate power...and i won't have my weaknesses so i wouldn't rely on God as much....hm..i guess so...

Another Side

i hate it! i hate it! i hate him! i hate him!!!!

hate is such a strong word but it still just doesnt seem to define what i feel towards you! argh..!!!

i wish..i wish....
and it doesnt happen....

i wish you may just LEAVE! i don't understand why you stay! just please leave and stop trying to justify yourself for your choices! our choices reflect the person! how can i see choices and the person separate!!! GOD may be able to but I am NOT God and I CAN'T see it right now!
infuriated...

sunday school had a test on ten commandments and a few personal questions....

when you were younger what did you wish for and did it become a true reality.

i wished my parents divorce, and NO

what do you wish for now?

the same thing...

Larger Than Life

there was a thought that described my feeling lately....
but i forgot it...=[

hm..im feeling discomfort....
...dissatisfied?
...empty?
discontent?
no...

one thing i am soo glad is that my brother had accepted Christ and he's baptized so i do know he has acknowledge Jesus as his savior! so if he dies out in battle....i will look forward in seeing him again in heaven...i will definitely be sad...i really hope nothing bad happens to him...GOD PROTECT HIM!
i was actually surprised during the ceremony that the marines pray to God and they have church services for the recruits. that was awesome.

one thing i was thinking about the other day...
there are so MANY passions/inventions out there! sports! art! music! technology! medicine! etc..

God who invented everything out here on Earth, knows each instrument on how it works and what the purpose is. Exactly everything.
We can know more about God from His CREATION. It's like how you see a piece of art work and it reflects the artist - personality, likes and dislikes, stuff about the artist.

I think very much that not one person knows everything single thing about one thing. Meaning, not one person knows EVERYTHING about basketball,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about being a doctor,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about history,
even if someone were to know at least 99% of everything about one thing, it would take a lifetime!
think of all the creations God has set for mankind! and more to come! think of all the professions God invented, all objects....
theres a gazillion of em! this proves it takes a much longer time to even know a part of God! it takes a lifetime to know a little about God! He is just too MAGNIFICENT, too IMMENSE, too TREMENDOUS, too EXTENSIVE! get the picture? It definitely will take an eternity to know all about God. Definitely not in our lifetime will we be able to know everything about God. That also includes His plans.

yeah...

i feel quite numb of feelings for people right now....
relationships just seems to be crumbling in front of my eyes....
its making me want to shut myself away from everyone...but i must not...that's too easy...

i feel disturbed...
of something...but i dont know what! i hope this is from God...i just can't put my finger on it....
hm...


Hey God...
Thank you for always being there for me! Always! You are bigger than me in every way! and You know what's best for me. Thanks for watching out for me! Even though you have millions of others to take care of! I ask now if you may help me remove some bitterness in my heart...it's not a good feeling and I don't want to harbor it in my heart...I feel a little dead hearted right now. Yes I hate your guts Satan. In Jesus name stop messing with my head! You have no right to mess with me. In Jesus name. I don't even know if that is exactly how I am feeling but you, oh God, know exactly what I am going through right now. Even I don't know myself. But I also ask you lead us in the winter snowtrip/retreat for the college people. We are exasperated about planning this together and it's so frustrating! We seem to be growing apart than together and this is a stage where we need to reconcile with each other. Please help us with this, especially me. I pray for patience. I pray for the fire within me that is burning with passion for you Lord! Continue to walk with me. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.

San Diego Roadtrip

Hm...
time to blog! i guess im moving away from xanga...
thursday morning at 1Am i drove down to San Diego with my mom to go see my brother cause he joined the Marines. it never hit me till i actually was down there and saw him that i realize i really miss him! i love company and i wish i had a bigger family....it just feels so lonely... i was so overjoyed to see him again! and while we were walking to go eat, he tells me his drill instructor wants to date me cause he heard my voice the other day i was talking with my bro. oh hilarious....anyways the base down there really appealed to me. it made me almost feel like joining myself...i've considered it before in high school....theres just something about proving myself to be strong and independant.
but then if i were to go away to do something, i would actually rather much go to another YWAM school or something....travel away from the city...even the country....theres just something about San Francisco that keeps me binded, keeps me from God....keeps me from feeling, keeps me from having realizations...epiphony you may call it...
man i wanna start randomly blog daily again...its so useful...writing seems such a bad chore...
typing is of course the easiest...always..
im so blah!
i kinda wish i was closer with my bro...
i also realized...having older siblings are so much easier....i wish i had older siblings...
maybe im feeling like im tired of having a purpose..? which is really bad...i am called to have a purpose for the kingdom of God.... definitely...
and i shall not say that i am waiting till the day i get into heaven because i am already in heaven. it has already come. its everywhere....anywhere i acknowledge Jesus is my king, thats where heaven is.
i don't know i feel frustrated...i feel like wanting to give up....i feel i want wishful thinking...i want to daydream. i want to dream...i want to ....i want...
i feel a bit lost..i know i should be more productive...but i'm being incredibly lazy....
i sure am confooozled....
*sigh*