ahhhh
so brain dead! doing math for hours!
so stupid...
so much to do!
so crazy! everything! everything!
ahhhh.....
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i need to scream.......
i need to be still...i need refreshment...i need youuuuuu
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Newpaper
what the heckk!
well im trying to keep up with news...
i'm actually more interested in iraq and war stories related articles just cause my brother is a marine now....i want to know whats gonna happen next...
im so whoahs!
an open gay bishop will be speaking at Obama inauguration??!!
i'm not sure if that's correct but im more shocked at a gay bishop! huh?! whhy?
man this world is doomed! how sad....
news are always usually bad news!!!! whyy!
they have a whole page about peoples deaths....
but what if there was a page about who got married and who's celebrating a special occasion?!!!!
hm...i think...i just may be signing up for more things i can handle....but theres just so much to do! that i WANT to do! ugh....why can't i be superwoman....
then that takes away God's ultimate power...and i won't have my weaknesses so i wouldn't rely on God as much....hm..i guess so...
well im trying to keep up with news...
i'm actually more interested in iraq and war stories related articles just cause my brother is a marine now....i want to know whats gonna happen next...
im so whoahs!
an open gay bishop will be speaking at Obama inauguration??!!
i'm not sure if that's correct but im more shocked at a gay bishop! huh?! whhy?
man this world is doomed! how sad....
news are always usually bad news!!!! whyy!
they have a whole page about peoples deaths....
but what if there was a page about who got married and who's celebrating a special occasion?!!!!
hm...i think...i just may be signing up for more things i can handle....but theres just so much to do! that i WANT to do! ugh....why can't i be superwoman....
then that takes away God's ultimate power...and i won't have my weaknesses so i wouldn't rely on God as much....hm..i guess so...
Monday, January 12, 2009
Another Side
i hate it! i hate it! i hate him! i hate him!!!!
hate is such a strong word but it still just doesnt seem to define what i feel towards you! argh..!!!
i wish..i wish....
and it doesnt happen....
i wish you may just LEAVE! i don't understand why you stay! just please leave and stop trying to justify yourself for your choices! our choices reflect the person! how can i see choices and the person separate!!! GOD may be able to but I am NOT God and I CAN'T see it right now!
infuriated...
sunday school had a test on ten commandments and a few personal questions....
when you were younger what did you wish for and did it become a true reality.
i wished my parents divorce, and NO
what do you wish for now?
the same thing...
hate is such a strong word but it still just doesnt seem to define what i feel towards you! argh..!!!
i wish..i wish....
and it doesnt happen....
i wish you may just LEAVE! i don't understand why you stay! just please leave and stop trying to justify yourself for your choices! our choices reflect the person! how can i see choices and the person separate!!! GOD may be able to but I am NOT God and I CAN'T see it right now!
infuriated...
sunday school had a test on ten commandments and a few personal questions....
when you were younger what did you wish for and did it become a true reality.
i wished my parents divorce, and NO
what do you wish for now?
the same thing...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Larger Than Life
there was a thought that described my feeling lately....
but i forgot it...=[
hm..im feeling discomfort....
...dissatisfied?
...empty?
discontent?
no...
one thing i am soo glad is that my brother had accepted Christ and he's baptized so i do know he has acknowledge Jesus as his savior! so if he dies out in battle....i will look forward in seeing him again in heaven...i will definitely be sad...i really hope nothing bad happens to him...GOD PROTECT HIM!
i was actually surprised during the ceremony that the marines pray to God and they have church services for the recruits. that was awesome.
one thing i was thinking about the other day...
there are so MANY passions/inventions out there! sports! art! music! technology! medicine! etc..
God who invented everything out here on Earth, knows each instrument on how it works and what the purpose is. Exactly everything.
We can know more about God from His CREATION. It's like how you see a piece of art work and it reflects the artist - personality, likes and dislikes, stuff about the artist.
I think very much that not one person knows everything single thing about one thing. Meaning, not one person knows EVERYTHING about basketball,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about being a doctor,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about history,
even if someone were to know at least 99% of everything about one thing, it would take a lifetime!
think of all the creations God has set for mankind! and more to come! think of all the professions God invented, all objects....
theres a gazillion of em! this proves it takes a much longer time to even know a part of God! it takes a lifetime to know a little about God! He is just too MAGNIFICENT, too IMMENSE, too TREMENDOUS, too EXTENSIVE! get the picture? It definitely will take an eternity to know all about God. Definitely not in our lifetime will we be able to know everything about God. That also includes His plans.
yeah...
i feel quite numb of feelings for people right now....
relationships just seems to be crumbling in front of my eyes....
its making me want to shut myself away from everyone...but i must not...that's too easy...
i feel disturbed...
of something...but i dont know what! i hope this is from God...i just can't put my finger on it....
hm...
Hey God...
Thank you for always being there for me! Always! You are bigger than me in every way! and You know what's best for me. Thanks for watching out for me! Even though you have millions of others to take care of! I ask now if you may help me remove some bitterness in my heart...it's not a good feeling and I don't want to harbor it in my heart...I feel a little dead hearted right now. Yes I hate your guts Satan. In Jesus name stop messing with my head! You have no right to mess with me. In Jesus name. I don't even know if that is exactly how I am feeling but you, oh God, know exactly what I am going through right now. Even I don't know myself. But I also ask you lead us in the winter snowtrip/retreat for the college people. We are exasperated about planning this together and it's so frustrating! We seem to be growing apart than together and this is a stage where we need to reconcile with each other. Please help us with this, especially me. I pray for patience. I pray for the fire within me that is burning with passion for you Lord! Continue to walk with me. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.
but i forgot it...=[
hm..im feeling discomfort....
...dissatisfied?
...empty?
discontent?
no...
one thing i am soo glad is that my brother had accepted Christ and he's baptized so i do know he has acknowledge Jesus as his savior! so if he dies out in battle....i will look forward in seeing him again in heaven...i will definitely be sad...i really hope nothing bad happens to him...GOD PROTECT HIM!
i was actually surprised during the ceremony that the marines pray to God and they have church services for the recruits. that was awesome.
one thing i was thinking about the other day...
there are so MANY passions/inventions out there! sports! art! music! technology! medicine! etc..
God who invented everything out here on Earth, knows each instrument on how it works and what the purpose is. Exactly everything.
We can know more about God from His CREATION. It's like how you see a piece of art work and it reflects the artist - personality, likes and dislikes, stuff about the artist.
I think very much that not one person knows everything single thing about one thing. Meaning, not one person knows EVERYTHING about basketball,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about being a doctor,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about history,
even if someone were to know at least 99% of everything about one thing, it would take a lifetime!
think of all the creations God has set for mankind! and more to come! think of all the professions God invented, all objects....
theres a gazillion of em! this proves it takes a much longer time to even know a part of God! it takes a lifetime to know a little about God! He is just too MAGNIFICENT, too IMMENSE, too TREMENDOUS, too EXTENSIVE! get the picture? It definitely will take an eternity to know all about God. Definitely not in our lifetime will we be able to know everything about God. That also includes His plans.
yeah...
i feel quite numb of feelings for people right now....
relationships just seems to be crumbling in front of my eyes....
its making me want to shut myself away from everyone...but i must not...that's too easy...
i feel disturbed...
of something...but i dont know what! i hope this is from God...i just can't put my finger on it....
hm...
Hey God...
Thank you for always being there for me! Always! You are bigger than me in every way! and You know what's best for me. Thanks for watching out for me! Even though you have millions of others to take care of! I ask now if you may help me remove some bitterness in my heart...it's not a good feeling and I don't want to harbor it in my heart...I feel a little dead hearted right now. Yes I hate your guts Satan. In Jesus name stop messing with my head! You have no right to mess with me. In Jesus name. I don't even know if that is exactly how I am feeling but you, oh God, know exactly what I am going through right now. Even I don't know myself. But I also ask you lead us in the winter snowtrip/retreat for the college people. We are exasperated about planning this together and it's so frustrating! We seem to be growing apart than together and this is a stage where we need to reconcile with each other. Please help us with this, especially me. I pray for patience. I pray for the fire within me that is burning with passion for you Lord! Continue to walk with me. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
San Diego Roadtrip
Hm...
time to blog! i guess im moving away from xanga...
thursday morning at 1Am i drove down to San Diego with my mom to go see my brother cause he joined the Marines. it never hit me till i actually was down there and saw him that i realize i really miss him! i love company and i wish i had a bigger family....it just feels so lonely... i was so overjoyed to see him again! and while we were walking to go eat, he tells me his drill instructor wants to date me cause he heard my voice the other day i was talking with my bro. oh hilarious....anyways the base down there really appealed to me. it made me almost feel like joining myself...i've considered it before in high school....theres just something about proving myself to be strong and independant.
but then if i were to go away to do something, i would actually rather much go to another YWAM school or something....travel away from the city...even the country....theres just something about San Francisco that keeps me binded, keeps me from God....keeps me from feeling, keeps me from having realizations...epiphony you may call it...
man i wanna start randomly blog daily again...its so useful...writing seems such a bad chore...
typing is of course the easiest...always..
im so blah!
i kinda wish i was closer with my bro...
i also realized...having older siblings are so much easier....i wish i had older siblings...
maybe im feeling like im tired of having a purpose..? which is really bad...i am called to have a purpose for the kingdom of God.... definitely...
and i shall not say that i am waiting till the day i get into heaven because i am already in heaven. it has already come. its everywhere....anywhere i acknowledge Jesus is my king, thats where heaven is.
i don't know i feel frustrated...i feel like wanting to give up....i feel i want wishful thinking...i want to daydream. i want to dream...i want to ....i want...
i feel a bit lost..i know i should be more productive...but i'm being incredibly lazy....
i sure am confooozled....
*sigh*
time to blog! i guess im moving away from xanga...
thursday morning at 1Am i drove down to San Diego with my mom to go see my brother cause he joined the Marines. it never hit me till i actually was down there and saw him that i realize i really miss him! i love company and i wish i had a bigger family....it just feels so lonely... i was so overjoyed to see him again! and while we were walking to go eat, he tells me his drill instructor wants to date me cause he heard my voice the other day i was talking with my bro. oh hilarious....anyways the base down there really appealed to me. it made me almost feel like joining myself...i've considered it before in high school....theres just something about proving myself to be strong and independant.
but then if i were to go away to do something, i would actually rather much go to another YWAM school or something....travel away from the city...even the country....theres just something about San Francisco that keeps me binded, keeps me from God....keeps me from feeling, keeps me from having realizations...epiphony you may call it...
man i wanna start randomly blog daily again...its so useful...writing seems such a bad chore...
typing is of course the easiest...always..
im so blah!
i kinda wish i was closer with my bro...
i also realized...having older siblings are so much easier....i wish i had older siblings...
maybe im feeling like im tired of having a purpose..? which is really bad...i am called to have a purpose for the kingdom of God.... definitely...
and i shall not say that i am waiting till the day i get into heaven because i am already in heaven. it has already come. its everywhere....anywhere i acknowledge Jesus is my king, thats where heaven is.
i don't know i feel frustrated...i feel like wanting to give up....i feel i want wishful thinking...i want to daydream. i want to dream...i want to ....i want...
i feel a bit lost..i know i should be more productive...but i'm being incredibly lazy....
i sure am confooozled....
*sigh*
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