Spring Random

bad college people....
went out on saturday night and stayed out late eating korean bbq and driving in circles(literally).
was so sleepy during church...T_T

alberto and heiman wanted to crash somewhere but ended up going to cherry blossom festival with me, and while heiman was driving, alberto and i saw a lady walking and trying to keep her dress down because the wind kept blowing so finally it just blew her dress up from behind and we saw her underwear and we laughed so much....

last spring break, i spent most of it cleaning my room and i'm not even finish! maybe cause i was boxing things up and reminiscing on some of those stuff....i shall post of pictures of em, haha yeah i took pictures of em...

man i miss blogging, i dont find the time....or the energy...i have too many thoughts, it feels overwhelming to put it all in sentences and stuff...

i'm pretty much sick of living where i am...my parents, this house, this area, this city, this country....
i started missing Peru a lot...and the missionary life...but i'm not quite so sure that's God's calling for me...why am i so lost? its actually frustrating....
alas...years and years of wanting to be a veterinarian.....now i'm beginning to think i can't do it, i'm just not good at math and formulas, i'm not disciplining myself well enough to go through all that vigorous classes and such. it totally sucks! i guess everyone is suppose to have a dream job they'll never be able to attain in life and mines will be a vet...but i really hope i can get a dog in the future...australian shepherd to be more specific....they look so gorgeous...
i guess for now i'll settle for something i already know i'm good at or enjoy tremendously..which is art, design, and such......
i'm so envious of certain people....why am i having so much people problem lately? i wish i was better at keeping in touch with people....

i don't quite feel alive...my sense feel a bit numb....like am i actually me? i'm really making choices for this soul, this life? i look at my mom and really see, this woman is my mom? i look over her features and i amaze myself, this woman is my mother....*ponders*
i feel like an alien new to this life, but i've been living this life for about 20 years....wow...20 years...where did all the years go by?

i feel so anxious for the future...i remember i was anxious when i was 16 too, now i'm anxious for when i get out of college and how my life will be like. i wish i didn't, i don't want to anticipate and miss the life i'm living now, the events happening now...yeah....
wow i really do miss blogging and talking to myself...but i need sleep...i hope i won't feel how i felt this morning, wanting to just keep sleeping, sleep the world away. sleep my life away...hm...

*SiGh*

I RemEmBer WeN I uSeTa TyPe LiKe ThiZ, iT toOk 4EvEr!

anyways....
last week or something i was watching House, and the main patient, he had something wrong with him by saying whatever is on his mind. he can't think before speaking. he just says everything on his mind. so of course he said inappropriate things, and i was just thinking about it and i am so glad that we don't always speak whatever's on our thoughts, we have choices to make even when thoughts come up without control. i think if i were to say everything that's on my mind, i would be the meanest, most bitter, judgemental, person ever! i don't even know where it comes from. scary. that's all, lazy to think more. how depressing...

so busy...

man! i'm so behind in school....
so much invovled with activities....

the other day i was talking to my very old old childhood friend and we talked till midnight and it was great! i realized i've ditched my other friends to be so involved with church and it's activities...its nice but still, the greater mission will be targeted those unsaved instead of already saved ones.

yeah im in a rush now....think later...can't be still....>_<

crazy! loco! mad!

ahhhh
so brain dead! doing math for hours!
so stupid...
so much to do!
so crazy! everything! everything!
ahhhh.....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i need to scream.......

i need to be still...i need refreshment...i need youuuuuu

Newpaper

what the heckk!

well im trying to keep up with news...
i'm actually more interested in iraq and war stories related articles just cause my brother is a marine now....i want to know whats gonna happen next...

im so whoahs!
an open gay bishop will be speaking at Obama inauguration??!!
i'm not sure if that's correct but im more shocked at a gay bishop! huh?! whhy?
man this world is doomed! how sad....

news are always usually bad news!!!! whyy!
they have a whole page about peoples deaths....
but what if there was a page about who got married and who's celebrating a special occasion?!!!!

hm...i think...i just may be signing up for more things i can handle....but theres just so much to do! that i WANT to do! ugh....why can't i be superwoman....

then that takes away God's ultimate power...and i won't have my weaknesses so i wouldn't rely on God as much....hm..i guess so...

Another Side

i hate it! i hate it! i hate him! i hate him!!!!

hate is such a strong word but it still just doesnt seem to define what i feel towards you! argh..!!!

i wish..i wish....
and it doesnt happen....

i wish you may just LEAVE! i don't understand why you stay! just please leave and stop trying to justify yourself for your choices! our choices reflect the person! how can i see choices and the person separate!!! GOD may be able to but I am NOT God and I CAN'T see it right now!
infuriated...

sunday school had a test on ten commandments and a few personal questions....

when you were younger what did you wish for and did it become a true reality.

i wished my parents divorce, and NO

what do you wish for now?

the same thing...

Larger Than Life

there was a thought that described my feeling lately....
but i forgot it...=[

hm..im feeling discomfort....
...dissatisfied?
...empty?
discontent?
no...

one thing i am soo glad is that my brother had accepted Christ and he's baptized so i do know he has acknowledge Jesus as his savior! so if he dies out in battle....i will look forward in seeing him again in heaven...i will definitely be sad...i really hope nothing bad happens to him...GOD PROTECT HIM!
i was actually surprised during the ceremony that the marines pray to God and they have church services for the recruits. that was awesome.

one thing i was thinking about the other day...
there are so MANY passions/inventions out there! sports! art! music! technology! medicine! etc..

God who invented everything out here on Earth, knows each instrument on how it works and what the purpose is. Exactly everything.
We can know more about God from His CREATION. It's like how you see a piece of art work and it reflects the artist - personality, likes and dislikes, stuff about the artist.

I think very much that not one person knows everything single thing about one thing. Meaning, not one person knows EVERYTHING about basketball,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about being a doctor,
not one person knows EVERYTHING about history,
even if someone were to know at least 99% of everything about one thing, it would take a lifetime!
think of all the creations God has set for mankind! and more to come! think of all the professions God invented, all objects....
theres a gazillion of em! this proves it takes a much longer time to even know a part of God! it takes a lifetime to know a little about God! He is just too MAGNIFICENT, too IMMENSE, too TREMENDOUS, too EXTENSIVE! get the picture? It definitely will take an eternity to know all about God. Definitely not in our lifetime will we be able to know everything about God. That also includes His plans.

yeah...

i feel quite numb of feelings for people right now....
relationships just seems to be crumbling in front of my eyes....
its making me want to shut myself away from everyone...but i must not...that's too easy...

i feel disturbed...
of something...but i dont know what! i hope this is from God...i just can't put my finger on it....
hm...


Hey God...
Thank you for always being there for me! Always! You are bigger than me in every way! and You know what's best for me. Thanks for watching out for me! Even though you have millions of others to take care of! I ask now if you may help me remove some bitterness in my heart...it's not a good feeling and I don't want to harbor it in my heart...I feel a little dead hearted right now. Yes I hate your guts Satan. In Jesus name stop messing with my head! You have no right to mess with me. In Jesus name. I don't even know if that is exactly how I am feeling but you, oh God, know exactly what I am going through right now. Even I don't know myself. But I also ask you lead us in the winter snowtrip/retreat for the college people. We are exasperated about planning this together and it's so frustrating! We seem to be growing apart than together and this is a stage where we need to reconcile with each other. Please help us with this, especially me. I pray for patience. I pray for the fire within me that is burning with passion for you Lord! Continue to walk with me. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.