AH! what's happening Stephh?! Not motivated AT ALL for school or any of my classes...I'm not a super studious person but hey, I would still get a little above average with my B's...now I'm getting D's and C's so far in my classes! This is super super frustrating! I can't focus on any homework...I'm forgetting my assignments....What's WRONG?! In the beginning summer activities were still going on while school started and while I finished those, I thought to myself, I'll catch up...BAD/WRONG...still haven't really caught up...How can I not be motivated especially now since classes will be cut and I need NEED NEED to pass all of my classes!!!
So I had a counselor appointment today so I can get myself some priority registration for Spring semester, and I'm always changing counselors and this was someone new to me. She started asking me how am I doing in my classes and I tell her not so well and she asks me a bunch of questions to try to help pinpoint why I'm not doing well. One of the question that straight up smack me in the head was, " What was different about this semester than the other semesters?" ._.
like whoahs...deep thinking...
what DID happen?!
well there was Praise night (shoulda made the date earlier) cause school was starting when that happened...
Actually I might have to say the biggest changes were losing my friends and just stressing over them! and lastly these past weeks, my boss is in China so my other boss offered me more work till she gets back, so I'm working more, which means less study time....
back to the losing friends part....I guess thinking back...it impacted me a lot more than I realized. Letting go of friends when they don't want to be friends anymore, when they don't want to talk to me anymore, nor hang out, not even communicating....it's hard to let go after all these years of friendships...I must have done something really bad for them to not even want to talk to me because I seriously don't know what I did to offend them...it may be my fault...that I continued to be friends with them always giving and never taking so they never learn to give but to continue taking. But I have no idea...I just can't seem to stop saying how hard it is...because I love people...so when I lose them...it's like a great stab straight to the heart with a lot of twisting and plunging...of course in the beginning, I was just bitter and mad...but I'm through with that...that takes up wayy too much energy and I'm done with bitterness and grudges...I have one relationship that I'm bitter and angered about and I can't do that with my friends. I'm sick of it. and that's not counting Lucifer. Such an emotional drain for me...is this why I don't have any motivation for school? is this why I'm SO tired in the morning even after a long night of sleep? is this why no matter what I do, I just can't break from this depression, of feeling so blaaah....? That's all I can think of that changed from this fall and last fall...*sigh*
Still in the midst of all of this chaos... God let this happen for a reason...maybe it's a healthy break for me...maybe that's all I need....is just a simple break...
It's a bit heartbreaking,,,as I've just said before...I'll try not to hold onto friendships too strong anymore...I'll still care and encourage and laugh and hang out with friends no doubt about it...
hm..the last time I've ever felt this way...was when I was like a sophomore in high school...it's almost nostalgic remembering how it felt like...and here I am...almost making the same resolution...slightly altered...
Being at home doesn't help at all...I hate coming home...a double *sigh* on this one...
ah..wells...life goes on
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on the part about your counselor asking you what's different this semester compared to the other semesters, I wonder if you're going out during school nights more this semester than past semesters? it might seem harmless and stress relief...but might those nights contribute to the lost of focus on school? I heard that a few of you intentionally scheduled your Fridays free so that you can hang late into the night Thursday...but I wonder if that might be contributing to the downfall of your academic life. I would find it hard to focus on school during the semester if I'm out every week even if it's only one night a week...I don't remember doing that at all when I was in school.
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